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Mr. Slaughter Goes To
Washington |
 Washington,
DC: Tuck Professor Matthew Slaughter was recently
nominated by President George W. Bush to serve on
the Council of Economic Advisors. The Tuck Profit has
been following his progress, and by all accounts
Professor Slaughter has done a bang-up job applying the
skills he honed at Tuck for the betterment of society.
We are proud to bring the Tuck community a compilation
of news articles chronicling his many successes.
Way to go, Professor Slaughter! Keep up the good
work!
Collection of
Articles From Around the Country |
Bernanke Incorporates High
Skim Value into Fed's Statements
 Washington,
DC: Federal reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has
instituted a new format for Federal Reserve statements,
in an effort to improve the clarity of communications
from his office. The new format calls for "high
skim value" and "stand alone sense" in all communications,
as well as a 1-page maximum for all written statements.
The shift in policy was inspired by Professor Matthew
Slaughter of the Tuck School, who brought in experts
from New Hampshire to advise the Fed on its
communications strategy.
The Tuck Profit recently obtained a copy of the official
Fed minutes from last month, which were titled "We're
Going to Raise Rates by 25 Basis Points At Our Next
Meeting." |
Bush Calls for a 25%
Increase in Taxes
Council of Economic Advisers
uses Solver Sensitivity to Explain Concept of Budget
Deficit to President Bush
 Washington, DC: President Bush called for a 25% increase
in federal tax rates yesterday, after a 5-hour closed
doors meeting with his Council of Economic Advisors.
Aides scurried to downplay the President's words,
but Bush appeared to be firm in his resolve. "I
can only liken it to a religious experience, this moment
of clarity and understanding that I just had. I
now understand the meaning of the term 'budget
deficit.'"
Sources on the Council have confirmed that Professor
Matthew Slaughter of the Tuck School used an advanced
computer program called "Solver Sensitivity" to show the
HBS grad the effects of a 'borrow and spend' fiscal
policy.
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Bush Proposes Constitutional
Amendment Legalizing Gay Marriage
Recent Nomenclature
Change Cited: Spouses now called "Partners"
 Washington,
DC: In a shocking reversal of policy, President Bush
has proposed a constitutional amendment in favor of gay
marriage. "For years, it has been my position that
if two people of the same sex were to become legally
married, the entire institution of marriage that
Americans hold so dear would come crashing down around
us. Ever since I started using the term "partner,"
I haven't felt threatened by the gay community."
The President thanked Professor Matthew Slaughter of the
Tuck School for helping to institute the change in
nomenclature from "spouse" to "partner," and asked him
to look into other possible name changes that could help
him understand his political opposition. Slaughter
is considering ways to simplify for the President the
concepts of "global warming, oil
dependency and diplomacy." |
Minimum Wage Raised to $100k
 Washington,
DC: Congress accepted Professor Slaughter's
recommendation to raise the minimum wage in the United
States to $100,000 per year. According to Speaker
Dennis Hastert, "the broad sense of entitlement that
naturally accompanies such a high wage rate will really
help support our foreign policy goals."
Profit reporters suspect a more sinister reason for the
sudden acceptance of a minimum wage by Republicans in
Congress. Studies have shown that large salaries
strongly reduce the level and intensity of intellectual
dissent, and help institute a sense of apathy about
politics and a deeply ingrained desire to preserve the
status quo, and be nice to everyone.
The U.S. postal service heralded the change by placing a
'100 grand' candy bar in the mailbox of every citizen.
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SWOT Analysis Leads to
Nuclear Annihilation of North Korea
 Seoul,
South Korea: The United States detonated 2,000 nuclear
bombs over North Korea last night, completely
obliterating all forms of life in the country.
World leaders were shocked by the drastic move and
initially joined the growing chorus calling for Defense
Secretary Rumsfeld's resignation. But the outcry
was muted after an emergency U.N. session called this
morning, in which Professor Matthew Slaughter of the
Council of Economic Advisors calmed a packed room by
breaking down the threat posed by North Korea.
Moritz Leuenberger, President of the Confederation in
Switzerland, described the U.N. meeting to
Profit investigative reporters: "He marched to the front
of the room with a whiteboard and dry erase marker, and
wrote four letters on the board: S, W, O and T. He
then crossed out the S, W and O, and listed 26 ways in
which North Korea could destroy the world. It was
the most thorough and cogent analysis I've ever seen.
Truly brilliant."
The stunned audience unanimously supported the bombings. |
Paulsen Pledges Support to
"Pharmaceuticals for Color Televisions" Bilateral Trade
Pact with Vietnam
 Ho
Chi Minh City, Vietnam: Newly nominated
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen has announced his
support for establishing a bilateral trade agreement
with Vietnam. Under the plan, America will export
pharmaceuticals from companies like Merck to Vietnam, in
return for comparatively inexpensive color televisions.
The agreement is thought to be the brainchild of the
President's Council of Economic Advisors, in particular
Professor Matthew Slaughter from the Tuck School of
Business at Dartmouth. While the plan has been widely
praised for its economic merit and stand-alone sense, it
is not without its detractors. Congressman Frank Bates,
republican from Illinois, has blasted the scheme as "yet
another way for our lawmakers to export this country's
manufacturing base and perpetuate the slow rot of the
American dream." When asked about such criticism,
Paulsen shrugged and replied, "Sometimes it's cheaper to
produce televisions in the roundabout way than the
direct way." |
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