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TSA Bans Liquids, Hair Gel,
Motherfuckin' Snakes |
 New
York: After a recent plot to blow up airliners using
explosives disguised as beverages was foiled, the
Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) has decided
to ban liquids, hair gel, and motherfuckin' snakes from
all flights, effective immediately.
According to TSA spokesman Jules Winfield, this new
precaution was prompted by a non specific threat phoned
into a US airline, which indicated several potentially
lethal types of attacks against aircraft. First,
bombs could be formulated from materials, such as
nitroglycerine, disguised as harmless liquids.
Second, snakes could be purposely released from baggage
on a transatlantic flight in the near future to
terrorize passengers.
"It would be some cold blooded shit to let a snake loose
on a motherfucking airplane." says Winfield. "And if the
motherfucker is poisonous, sheeeit, that might just be
yo' ass."
 When
asked for more specifics about the snake threat,
Winfield added “Basically this motherfucker was on the
phone talking about how he was gonna let loose a Black
Mamba on a flight from New York to Heathrow. Sheeit,
ya’ll don’t know nothing about no black mambas. They is
some mushroom cloud layin motherfuckers motherfucker.
That would be the worst motherfucking air disaster this
country has ever witnessed.”
Jules Washington also offered some safety tips for
passengers in the event a snake is released on a flight.
“If you see a snake on a plane, the first thing to do is
drop all yo' shit and run yo' ass off. And I don’t
mean like no white people in no horror movie, I mean run
like yo' ass is on fire and the only way to put it out
is to dunk it in a bucket of water which is 100 feet
away. If you caint run, then take whatever
you can and pop that motherfucker in the head…your shoe,
a book, your cane, whatever. And make sure you kill it.
You know how those motherfuckers always pop back up when
you least expect it, especially when you think they
dead."
When asked by a reporter whether killing the
non-poisonous snakes was necessary, Washington retorted
“Hell yeah its necessary to kill those motherfuckers.
They all deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”
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