Please consider this column a public service announcement if:

a) You’re a man
b) You’re a T’08
c) You have a partner 

Otherwise, move on to the next article – this doesn’t concern you.  (In fact, you probably have a big night planned anyway, so don’t let us keep you…oh, and do yourself a favor around here...go ugly early...the good ones go quickly.  

Now then, if you happen to meet the above criteria, you need to pay attention to what we’re about to tell you (although sometimes a shot to the balls just hurts worse when you know it’s coming…sorry).  The good news is this: if you last until next year, there’s probably a happy ending for you both waiting at the end of the road.  The bad news is that the road is paved with rusty nails and broken glass.  So read on and see what you have to look forward to, you poor bastard…

The 7 stages of 1^st year relationships:

1. Excitement:  Been hanging around Hanover for a couple weeks, lots of free time and BBQ’s, everyone you meet is almost disturbingly happy to know you, and the first week of class wasn’t so bad…yep, life is good.  The little lady has already dropped the “you know, I think I’ll audit some classes this year” line.  She seems content with the situation.  You’re thinking it just doesn’t get any better than this.  You’re right, my friend, it only gets worse.
    

2. Disappointment:  Yes, it’s a beautiful area…yes, you’re meeting some very nice people…and yes, there are things she could be doing while you’re feigning interest in Anita Roddick’s fancy fucking soap.  The operative word, fellas, is “could.”  Get ready to come home to a crying partner who wants to know why you dragged her to this ghastly wilderness, away from all the things she loves most: friends, family, Prada, etc.
    

3. Denial:  You’ve had “the talk,” the heart-to-heart where you try to explain the soul-crushing miseries that are accounting and dec sci, and she tells you she understands that this is just a short investment in your future together for a big pay-off down the road, blah, blah, blah (there’s probably more but you stopped listening a couple minutes earlier).  Exercise extreme caution here, pal…she’s kidding herself and you and is probably more unstable than ever.  In fact, she probably hates you now.  Which segues nicely into our next stage…
    

4. Therapy:  The Betsy Howell Group – A support group for partners meant to offer the empathetic understanding you can no longer provide.  In this stage the partners realize they’re all in the same boat – they realize none of them are spending time with their spouses and that Amos Tuck has hijacked their marriage.  You’d think this would take some heat off you, but again, you’d be wrong (you should be sensing a pattern here).  Instead, the Cabal is formed, dinners are scheduled, and you are not invited.
    

5. Rock Bottom:  The Cabal has decided that you are an asshole.  Your woman has decided that you no longer deserve sex.  But by now you’re ass deep in case interviews and barely even notice.  Chances are you’re communicating almost exclusively over email because of its high skim value…which means the Cabal is right, you are an asshole.
   
   But the adage that it’s always darkest just before first light holds true here; you finally get an internship offer that gives her a glimpse of your future earning power (and her future buying power).
    

6. The Summer:  Give her the credit card.  Let her spend all your internship money.  Seriously, it’ll make things better…trust us.
    

7.  Acceptance (and, most likely, pregnancy):  Congratulations, Dad…you’re getting an extra special graduation present in June.  By the way, we’ve done some scientific research on this…the likelihood of pregnancy is directly proportional to the size of your signing bonus, so be careful with McKinsey and Goldman.