 Hanover,
NH: Citing a “substantial number of defects” in
the self-introductory videos recorded by incoming
students each year at orientation, Tuck Computing
announced a targeted recall of the videos, affecting
members of both classes. Explained IT Support Analyst Greg
Waddlinger, “it has recently come to our attention
that each year a number of students in the incoming
class, whether due to confusion regarding format or
the simple urge to make an impression on their
peers, end up making complete fools of themselves.”
He added, “when we figured out what a gold mine this
was, we basically got nothing done for the next day
and a half.”
Some examples of the defects listed in the
memorandum were excessive zeal for one’s alma mater,
awkwardly explaining a preference for a nickname
over a given name, and “making a blowjob face” at
the camera. To check whether their videos are
affected by this recall, students are asked to log
into TuckStreams with a friend, play their video,
and see if the friend is laughing or attempting to
stifle laughter. If the student has no friends,
their video is to be assumed corrupted.
Students Outraged
 Tuck
students in the class of 2007 were especially
angered at the news. “What, a year goes by with my
apparently defective video sitting on TuckStreams
and nobody tells me?” asked one second-year, who
wished to remain anonymous. “Imagine if somebody
watched that thing!”
Others were less distressed at the news, insinuating
that the blame may belong to the students
themselves. Commenting on the situation, another T’07 (who also did not wish to reveal his name) said, “Look, if you can’t sit still
and talk to a camera without doing anything weird
for 10 little seconds, then maybe you have
problems.”
Sweeping Changes
Proposed
Calling the situation a “communication crisis in
spades”, Professor Paul Argenti suggested that all
students be given a second chance to record their
video during Fall B in the first year. “How can you
expect an incoming Tuck student to perform well in
such a situation? They don’t understand the
concepts of high skim value, of how to properly use
visual aids, or what to do with their hands while
speaking in public.”
Dean Danos agreed with this assessment, adding, “The
most important asset you possess coming out of Tuck
is your personal network. The fact that some
students undermine this asset before they even pick
up an accounting book is highly distressing, and may
well be the reason why the WSJ screwed us this
year.” |
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