Stell Hall Empty After Installation of 'Sitting Meters'

Hanover, NH:  In a widely anticipated announcement, Dean Robert Hanson announced on Monday that the Tuck School of Business would convert traditional per-term tuition into menu-based pricing, effective January 4th 2007. In a radical change for the higher education industry, Tuck’s new tuition program is expected to better align revenues and costs, and to provide the students direct power over their MBA investment.

“The successful combination of reducing DBAs and raising Byrne prices taught us that students would simply ‘bitch and buy’ when confronted with artificially constrained supply” commented Hanson. “Extending this concept throughout Tuck was a natural progression.”

The first iteration of the new program is the much-praised Greenprint program, which is already credited with saving four saplings and causing 30% of first years to be late for accounting class. “So far physical damages to printer terminals have far exceeded financial savings, however consumer reactions have already shifted from blind hate to merely vitriolic,” noted Christopher Paras, of the office formerly known as Tuck Computing.

The new program is based on a simple market-based menu of services. For example, under proposed pricing each Decision Science lecture will cost students $0.32, while a corresponding tutor will cost $323.04 per hour. Most bathroom stalls are expected to cost $0.45 per minute, Stell leather chairs $1.33 per quarter-hour, and Whittemore study rooms $15 per hour. While the average cost of a Tuck education is expected to remain unchanged at nine years of marketing or fourteen months of investment banking, individual investments are expected to vary widely.

"If the poor ones want to learn something and the financial aid has run out, they can just stand in the back."    -Dean Danos

“We believe that MBA candidates today are more capable than ever to make educated consumer decisions” emphasized Dean Paul Danos. “If the poor ones want to learn something and the financial aid has run out, they can just stand in the back.”

Tuck expects to generate an additional $40 million revenue annually by applying more accurate supply and demand pricing. While Tuck remains “100% full-time MBA focused,” top professors are expected to further gravitate toward higher-paying Executive Education courses. “These people and their sponsor companies have money. Money that the students don’t have. We are 100% full-time MBA focused,” added Danos.

Student reactions to the new plan have been mixed to date, with many adopting dismayed apathy. “Is that a debit on the left side?” asked Frances Brooks. Added Tim Keeney,” I look good in a uniform too, you know.” Some students have vowed to fight the system. Noted Christopher Hanley, “I owe $97,876 to Tuck so far. I don’t care how much it costs, I’m going to shit in the Deanery men's room from now on.” As of press time, prices were $4.50 per minute.