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Columnist Pax Soares Carneiro |
Ever since Nuno and I have
been here, I have been miserable. The other dogs
are such pansies...I can't take it anymore. Nuno
and I got into a bunch of schools, and the final
decision came down to Tuck and Wharton. For me it
was a no-brainer—Wharton. I couldn’t wait to
become top dog in that place. I was salivating
about the chance to shit where I wanted, rape the beta
males into submission…and don’t even mention the
bitches. But nooo, Nuno and his soft side decided
to come up to this place.
At first, I thought I was going to have no problem
becoming the alpha dog. On the first day, I dared
the other dogs to piss on my favorite hydrants, or shit
next to my favorite trees, but these idiots just went
and marked their territory somewhere else. I
finally asked Kazi Kaylor, that gay shiba inu, what the
deal was around here. He had the cojones to tell
me 'there was enough territory for everyone.' The
nerve on this swordswallower! I got so mad I
pissed on him!
Don't get me started on that bitch Karen Summer.
Yeah, I bit her in the face. She may be a human,
but who the fuck does she think she is, looking me in
the eye. This place is nothing like the real
world. There is a clear hierarchy everywhere but here.
For example, out in the real world, the people are on
top. The alpha man sits at the top, then his bitch, then
the people puppies. The alpha dog comes below the
puppies, then his bitches, then the dog puppies. It’s
that simple.
Here at Tuck, there are no rules. And there is no
challenge. I, Pax Soares Carniero, bit a human
bitch in the face, and the only consequence is that I am
banned from class? What the hell are Dogs doing in
people classes anyway? If my master were a real
master, he would have beat the piss out of me and
chained me outside for a week. Instead this
picklesniffer blamed himself for my misbehavior!
At Tuck, they’ve even tried to eliminate the hierarchy
in the titles. I actually heard Peaches Guido
calling his master Daddy the other day. I almost
died laughing. He had the nerve to yelp some high
pitched crap at me through the holes in Guido’s
partner’s purse. To which I replied 'Dude, you’re
in a purse.' And there I go again with the partner
crap. I am going to eat that little bastard if
they ever let him loose.
I feel sorry for Nuno when he goes to his first job in
the real world. Oh, the mounting he is going to
get, when he shits in his boss's favorite toilet on the
first day. And all I will be able to say is 'I
told you so.' You would have known that had you
gone to Wharton. |
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