Chairman of the Tuck Defense Commission, and his troops.

Hanover, NH: The educational community has long suspected Tuck of maintaining a secret program to stockpile arms, but formal charges were never filed. That changed yesterday when the Thayer School, Tuck’s southern neighbor in the Grad School Peninsula, lodged a complaint against the rogue business school, claiming weapons testing and citing mean looks.

Official firearms for both schools are registered with Safety and Security, but Thayer has accused Tuck of building a black-market arsenal and renewing plans for an armed siege.

“These power-hungry assholes have been amassing guns for months,” lamented Joseph J. Helble, Dean of the Thayer School. “We believe it started with a few isolated factions in the Fire Pit and Skybox regions, but has since spread across the Peninsula.” Moratorium sanctions imposed last winter and enforced by Dartmouth University – the communist juggernaut to the north – have generally proven ineffective at curbing Tuck’s drunken, militaristic behavior.

In response, the Chairman of the Tuck Defense Commission, Paul Danos, has been canvassing Europe denying these claims and building support (among the Greeks in particular) to retain the status quo. “We’re down to number 11, I mean 3, damn it, and I won’t let these two-beer queers stand in our way any longer,” he shrieked. “Expansion of the moratorium will be considered an act of war, and we will be forced to respond physically!”

In recent months both schools have significantly expanded border defenses. The Cummings Hall extension includes bullet-proof glass, a central corridor lined with frickin’ lasers, and an electro-magnetic resonance destabilization defense ray, widely considered to be the most overspeced, useless pieces of shit to ever emerge from the school. “We have upgraded the demilitarized border region to slow any potential assaults. Have you seen how many cars bottom out on those new dips in the road? The transportation engineering is brilliant!” remarked Ian Baker, The George A. Colligan Professor of Being-Alone-with-Pamela-Anderson-Posters. Meanwhile, recent Tuck renovations in the Cook Bunker region are suspected of masking underground weapons-testing tunnels. “Honestly,” cried Helble, “how can pouring concrete stairs take six months!”

For years, Tuck maintained that its Students for Gun Safety club was peacefully “dedicated to promoting the safe and lawful use of firearms.”  However, Thayer insists that the club is, in fact, a front for the Patrick Henry Society, an underground militia training “elite Tuck action shooters.”  Club president Richard Mattis said, “if you’d seen my video you’d know I can really fuck shit up.  I made the video last spring on my new Tuck computer.  Of course, that was pre-surgery.  Have I told you about my surgery? Wait, I have the pictures right here.”

More recently, Tuck thumbed its nose at public opinion by openly announcing the Tuck Shotgun Club, with at least 32 known members.  While ostensibly created “to unite those who like to shoot shotguns,” Thayer’s repurposed-girls-locker-room-camera images suggest the club is instead actively recruiting and arming rabid killers.  “For Christ’s sake, even 5-foot Asian women named Yu have shotguns!  What more proof do you need?!” asked Sylvanus Thayer.

In response, both clubs have denied breaking educational law and have offered to allow Dartmouth inspectors to attend club meetings.  “People kill engineers, not guns, you four-eyed fucks!” said Joe Pfeister.  “And I’ve already got more gun-toting legions than God!  Now someone give me a beer and some shells!”

As of press time, half of Cummings Hall was engulfed in flames and the surviving engineers were being used as clay pigeons.