Suspected members of the terrorist cell.

Hanover, NH: President George W. Bush called Dean Danos last week to warn Tuck that the terrorists are planning to infiltrate top business schools across the United States.  "The President indicated that the infidels have identified MBA programs as breeding grounds for America's top leaders, and are determined to undercut the future of our country by crippling these institutions' ability to educate.

Suspicion immediately fell on a group of second year students who live off campus and have dark skin color.  One wears a turban, "the telltale sign of a terrorist," according to Bush.  Said one official, "Have you ever seen their house?  There's no way they can afford to live there without material financial support from overseas.  These guys are living like playboys." 

Officials from the Program Office have noticed a string of bizarre incidents over the last two years.  Until now, terrorism was not considered as a possible cause, but it is suddenly seeming very likely.

Some of the attacks include:

• Stealthily booby-trapping dozens of chairs in Ankeny, increasing the chances of physical harm to tomorrow's leaders and potentially driving reputation loss among students' future professional networks.
   
• Demanding formal mathematical proofs instead of relying on ‘intuition builders’ and ‘arm waving’ in an effort to sow confusion.
   
• Power cord theft has long been a major problem at Tuck.  Most students assumed that Gator was building a science project at home, but now it appears that the terrorists could be attempting to undermine our digital communications infrastructure.
   
• In a particularly insidious tactic, terrorists are also suspected in the repeated disappearance of the mailroom key.  These incidents hurt the community's ability to exchange mail, and further, generate spam emails, which reduce the productivity of all members of the community.
   
• Finally, terrorists are suspected in the destruction of Buchanan pong tables.  According to one victim, Jason Cantrell T'08, "What the terrorists don't understand is that they will never be able to destroy the Tuck spririt!  For it does not exist in this piece of plywood, or in these wooden paddles, nor in this ping pong ball.  The Tuck spirit is a collective obsession with furthering the illusion that we are college students.  And the terrorists will never be able to take that away from us."

• Dean Danos is the highest value target in the community.  The committee plans to recommend that Tuck hire four full-time bodyguards to protect his person.  Tuck officials would not comment on the potential consequences of such an unthinkable disaster. 
   

  Caffeine consumption could be at serious risk.

• Caffeine consumption could be at serious risk if steps aren't taken to prevent unauthorized switching of the caffeinated/decaffeinated labels in Byrne Dining Hall.  Some students claim they have long been aware of this dangerous possibility. For instance, Heather Onstott admits to consuming 8 large cups of coffee a day, “just in case”.
   

• Spread of misinformation is considered a major threat to the community.  The committee plans to propose two measures to protect the flow of knowledge: 1) increase security around library resources by adding additional layers of confusing and hard-to-find username and password combinations, and 2) neutralizing students whose raw intelligence would make them particularly adept at spreading falsehoods in class, like David Browne.