Tuck Begins Brewing Kool-Aid For ASW
 Hanover, NH:
With Accepted Student's Weekend ("ASW")
rapidly approaching, the MBA Program Office has begun
brewing the traditional Tuck Kool-Aid. The drink,
a mix of various secret ingredients, is designed to
cause a constant state of euphoric community ecstasy.
Researchers have called the results the "Republican
version of a group orgy," presumably without the prayer.
The brewing process is ancient and closely guarded by
Bill Achtmeyer T'81. Sources close to Achtmeyer
confirm that each batch of Kool-Aid contains a hockey
jersey, a dog leash, liquid collaboration, SoBe fruit
punch, and hundreds of cases of beer.
During ASW, current students serve the Kool-Aid to
prospective students, most of whom gulp it down
greedily. "The key is to concoct a drink that
tastes better than a 2-year stint as an analyst at an
investment bank. It's really not too difficult."
Achtmeyer continued, "The real trick is to isolate that
stubborn entrepreneurship gene that some students seem
to express. It is absolutely necessary that we
preserve the school's mission of churning out middle
managers, and those maverick 'creative types' threaten
everything."
The Tuck Kool-Aid has not always been brewed in secret.
The ritual used to be performed openly in Buchanan
lounge, until students were caught swimming in the vats,
which corrupted the purity of the mixture and introduced
potent behavior-inducing molecules into the potion.
Some of the more bizarre effects of Tuck Kool-Aid can be
traced back to this incident, including the overwhelming
urge to dress in costumes and act like 18-year-olds
first arriving at college. Also, researchers have
discovered that Tuckies who have consumed the Kool-Aid
have no capacity to perceive male-female ratios in party
environments.
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