Hanover Coach Tim Winslow calls attention to Professor Womack (off camera, waving an SPSS output)

Restraining Order Issued Against Prof
Womack Specifically Prohibited From Collecting Statistical Data

Hanover, NH:  Following the Hanover High School boys’ basketball team’s qualification for the state semifinals during Spring Break, the District Court of Hanover granted Hanover Head Coach Tim Winslow’s request for a restraining order against Professor Kent Womack.

Coach Winslow’s attorney said Winslow was also considering filing harassment charges. “It’s one thing to have an overly zealous parent who thinks their kid should play more. All coaches are used to that. But those spreadsheets! Those mysterious, unlabeled graphs! The incessant surveys! And the 8-point-font academic articles on availability bias! My client could no longer lead a normal life!”

The terms of the restraining order are unusual. Womack is permitted to contact Winslow in person, by phone, or electronically. He may even approach the Winslow family car or residence. However, he is specifically prohibited from collecting statistical data, engaging in regression analysis, or attaching spreadsheets to any communications. To ensure compliance, the Court has ordered him to refrain from any and all use of Excel or SPSS for 90 days.

When asked to comment on how the situation would impact the spirit of community here at Tuck, Sally Jaeger remarked, “Since I don’t know Tim Winslow from Adam, it’s hard to say. Perhaps if the Tuck community were just a little more close-knit, this sort of thing wouldn’t arise.”

According to Doreen Aher, his administrative assistant, since the restraining order was issued Womack has been filling his time by drafting a syllabus and slides for a new second-half spring mini. Aher believes it will consist of an in-depth examination of Womack’s son’s current chances of getting a basketball scholarship at Bennington. The first day’s lecture revolves around Bayesian updating, given new information about third-party misdemeanors.

Registrar Jane Nurnberg confirmed the new mini, adding that Womack first considered calling the course “Decision-making: Under-rated Necessary Knowledge (DUNK)” but has now settled on “Revealing Everybody’s Biases Owing to Unsatisfactory Numerical Data (REBOUND).”