Hanover, NH: As prospective students enjoyed their first full day of Admitted Students’ Weekend, anxious second years prepared for their last, best chance to flip their houses. Many second years, however, were angered by Tuck’s efforts to stymie the process.

On-Campus Competition
In an effort to improve Tuck’s position in business school rankings, Admissions has seized on a negative correlation between age and GMAT score. As a result, most ASW attendees arrived toting parental permission slips and 750 GMATs. With a younger class of mostly single students, there are fewer potential homebuyers.

Some second years also cited a knock-on effect from improved on-campus housing, which compounds the demographic shift in the admitted class. “Refinishing the Buchanan floor is the last straw,” said an enraged Adam Marcus, T’07. “The Administration’s concerted efforts to make Buchanan habitable are killing demand for off-campus housing. Now that the bathrooms have been swapped and the floor redone, people with strong immune systems will be able to live in Buchanan.”

Rebranding: The Village at Sachem
Professor Kevin Lane Keller has been advising the school on several rebranding initiatives to tap latent brand equity. Referencing student familiarity with the concept of “Hanover hot,” Keller advised Tuck to consider new slogans, including a Buster Poindexter-inspired “Hanover … Hot, Hot, Hot” and “Hanover: So Hot Right Now.”

The rebranding campaign has now extended to Sachem Village, the derided yet convenient Tuck housing for couples with children. Sachem has persistently undercut local homesellers and landlords; this year Tuck also launched a marketing campaign to stir interest. The campaign, featuring spokesmodels Mark Hanrahan and Heather Gallagher, emphasized Sachem’s “Trailer Park Chic” lifestyle advantages, a significantly reduced risk of vicious dog attacks, and a new name – “The Village at Sachem.”

Education or Propaganda?
Still worse for homeowners, Professor John Vogel taught a well-attended mini-mini-course for prospectives entitled “You Should Definitely Rent: Why Only Morons Would Buy in this Regional Market at this Time over this Two-Year Horizon.” Jenna Hutchins T’07 served as Head TA for the course.

Desperate Measures
A despondent Enrique Ruiz Flores T’07 contemplated donating his Ivy Place condominium to Tuck GIVES only to withdraw the condo when told that it did not meet the value threshold for the live auction and would have to be sold in the silent auction.

The second years’ plight is particularly severe in scenic Woodhaven Manor. There, the owners of gorgeous, very well cared-for, well-maintained, 2-bedroom, 1.5 bath condominiums with mudrooms and carports are engaged in fierce competition for prospective students looking to live 3 miles or 8-10 minutes from Tuck.

Dean Bob Hansen, who has been studying the developing Woodhaven situation as a rare instance of perfect competition in the Upper Valley, delivered some game theoretical advice to Woodhaven residents, Ken and Angel Tittle T/TP ’07. The Tittles, seeking to recover the investment in their home as well as the $10,000 paid for a Tuck Times advertisement, have at Hansen’s urging instituted the Woodhaven Doomsday Device. They have listed their condo at n - $1,000, where n equals the lowest advertised price on another Tuckie’s Woodhaven condo. If another Tuckie follows suit, values could soon careen all the way to zero.

Other homeowners enlisted the help of Coldwell Banker’s Nan Carroll. Nan’s grandmotherly name and the fact that she “talks Tuck” give her immediate credibility. On behalf of several second years, Nan set up a series of unorthodox but highly effective Open Houses immediately following the end of the Buchanan post-party on Thursday night.

An allegedly inebriated William Treacy T’09 visited Jordan Karp’s (T’07) house. Treacy remarked that he “loved Tuck, you [Jordan], Meredith, your pugs, and this entire fucking house” before signing an agreement to purchase the Karps’ home for $1.2 million.

New Hampshire Supreme Court Chief Justice and Tuck Professor John Broderick in muffled comments to the Profit expressed concern that the courts may rule the sales agreement to be a “contract of adhesion.” “If they don’t,” he opined, “young Treacy will be in the soup.”

In the event that all else fails, Errik Anderson T’07 pledges to form a REIT to acquire all the listed properties and continue his slow consolidation of Hanover and its environs.