Hanover:  This Saturday we’ll be cheering on the Tuck A, B and C teams in an event some might call a pillar of Tuck traditions – the Kneissl Cup.  The Kneissl Cup is a “boat race style” beer chugging contest held at the Saturday night party of Tuck’s Winter Carnival every year.  Dean Danos is proud of Tuck’s achievements, “Who gives a shit about GMAT scores and average GPAs?  It’s our long-standing history of success in the Kneissl Cup that truly distinguishes us as a top business school.” 

Team Captain Jason Cantrell T’08 has spent many long hours of work over the past month recruiting a performance-driven team to avenge his team’s loss on CNN Fast Money.  “Ok, so maybe those other business schools knew which country owns the greatest share of the US national debt, but I’ll be damned if anyone of them can chug a beer in 2.355 seconds.”  Cantrell has recently been banned from Byrne dining hall for flagrant misuse of a stopwatch while people are trying to enjoy their dinners.  “I was just trying to find someone with a better time than Linda Lagos!”  

Cantrell has also revealed the Kneissl has personal meaning for him, “While it would be cool to win and all, I’m really just on a search for The Next Cantrell, someone who truly embodies what it means to be me.”  Ludwig Reimmer T’09 is said to be leading the pack.  According to Cantrell, stacking a team with egregious binge drinkers was no problem but getting the Kneissl Cup trophy ski back from Brian Walsh T’07 was.  Walsh was overheard saying, “You can have the ski when you pull it from my cold dead hands.” 

Tuck is favored to win 2:1 in Vegas odds because “why invite other schools up if you can’t beat their asses?”