More Winter Carnival News

Ledyard:  The situation in Ledyard parking lot escalated this morning after two missing students thought to be off-campus on exchange were found in a car at the bottom of a pothole.

Alex Doria, spokesperson of the Ledyard Victims group, was outraged, "This morning, on my way up the Ledyard stairs, I took out fifteen of my classmates when I fell down the stairs.”  Luckily, Doria’s sweatpants produced enough friction to break the fall, but some of the women in ballet flats may have slipped into the river.

Vowing to take action, Doria said, "I am sick and tired of the administration ignoring our safety.  If my demand for a 24-hour SafeRides between Tuck Circle and Ledyard is not met, I will lead a park-in on the Buchanan lawn."

While most students publicly supported Doria's aggressive petition movement in class this afternoon, some commented off the record that they liked the icy potholes because they offered a place to dispose of the cars of first year students who park too close to the Ledyard staircase.

Hanover:  A record number of emails regarding lost items have become the subject of an intense study by The Center for Useless Studies at Tuck. In a classic misuse of power, Profit editor Dennis Lasko launched the entire staff of Investigative Reporters to comb through the results, but was not able to find any respondents who reported losing lip balm in his cowboy boot. When asked to comment on the results of the study, T’08 Scott Orleck could no longer form sentences, and just twitched with rage.

PERU:  During a recent FSIB trip to Peru, an unidentified Tuck male was surprised when, during what was to be a typical beer run, he was confronted by cleavage. The confused individual was quoted after the event “You know, I had just forgotten that a thing like this could happen. I mean, you’re out there living your life and then BAM! you’re confronted with cleavage. I mean it took me a few minutes, but I soon noticed that I felt kinda funny, like when they made me climb the rope in high school.” Witnesses say that paramedics were able to re-insert the man’s eyes back into their sockets with minimal bruising and that after a ‘thorough examination’ the cleavage appeared to be unharmed.