In a novel attempt to find people with even less experience and fewer credentials, Harvard Business School recently debuted their new 2 + 2 program in which students apply as college juniors, then if admitted work for two years in an HBS sponsored job before attending business school.  Not to be outdone Tuck has responded with the 20 + 2 program, besting the Cambridge colossus by a factor of ten.  Though details of the program are still emerging so far we know that the general objective is identify future business leaders as infants, based on their overall aptitude at crawling, cooing and gurgling.

Dean Danos spoke with the Profit via video conference from his latest recruiting junket in the Seychelles and shared with us the origins of the program.  “We have been developing this technology in our international laboratories over the past few years.  In fact we are close to being able to select the entire class while still in the womb.”  In a moment of candor Danos remarked, “We are so far ahead on this one it’s not even funny.  I’ve already dinged Dennis Lasko’s yet to be conceived children.”

As a result of the program, ASW this year will have a significantly different complexion with nap-time and an appearance by Sponge Bob taking the place of beer-pong and the traditional Achtemeyer address.  Groups across the Tuck community are bracing for the impact of the admitted Tuckie toddlers descending on campus.  Byrne dining hall is preparing for a run on ice cream and cookies, TuckStuff is increasing its inventory of onesies, and Tuck Facilities is struggling with how to childproof the over 5,000 power outlets on campus.

In typical Tuck fashion the students have stepped up to plate to help.  John Hannon and Ben Renda have volunteered to lead the “mommy track”, tentatively codenamed “Operation Cougar Hunt”, at the Canoe Club while the youngsters attend sessions.

Jason Cantrell will be leading formula chugging races, scouting for talent for the 2029 Kniessel Cup team.  Cantrell said of the upcoming event “I’m not quite sure how chugging works with the nipple on the bottle, but somehow Mulley manages to do it, so I figure it won’t be a problem.”