The competitive nature of MBA males is well understood but the Profit is concerned that this year’s Best Sports Related Injury (BSRI) has gone too far.  The winners of the BSRI compete for respect and sympathy from their classmates and the ultimate trophy – a disabled parking sticker that allows you to park outside of Whit. Until recently the majority of bumps and breaks occurred on the ice – both hockey and the Ledyard steps.  The initiation of Tuck Hockey is welcomed by the fresh intake of med students and the DHMC who finally get their hands on some patients.  Past nominees have included:  Bennett [Morgan] knocking his teeth out, Cantrell’s foot attacked by a piano, and Shantaru’s broken elbow.  Such injuries just no longer make the cut for the coveted BSRI.

This year, the competition for BSRI has moved into new and more dangerous territory.  In order to compete, injuries have to be life threatening or require at least a week in intensive care.  The Profit’S own Dennis Lasko thought he had the whole thing sewn up with his spectacular fall at CarniVail, resulting in a life threatening ruptured spleen.    Lasko commented, “I thought all I had to do was send out Louisa Roberts to hype the whole thing, spend a week in the hospital, and the BSRI was all mine.  Ever since the Profit exposed my secret parking space last year I’ve been desperately seeking a new one.”

Yet another competitor takes a half hearted run at the BSRI title

But then, just like a disruptive technology out of no where, came Andy Ervin’s spectacular ski injuries – two broken heels and a thumb!  Andy has destroyed the competition on many levels:

·      Uniqueness: who ever heard of anyone breaking their heel, let alone two?

·      Severity: endured major surgery and is confined for a wheel chair till mid-May

·      Impact on Daily life/ friendship:  “Flush Buddy” has taken on a whole new meaning for Andy  -  Pace Ralli has to accompany him on all trips to the bathroom. (The PROFIT is unsure whether this is for practical purposes or if poor Andy doesn’t have the strength the fight him off)

The Profit caught up with Andy to congratulate him on winning the BSRI trophy this year and to get an update on his recovery, “My classmates have been great. A lovely girl from down the hall lent me her knee pads so now I can drag myself around my room. I am proud to accept the award and to be the face of sports related injuries this year.”

 When asked what he thought of the BSRI winner, Lasko muttered, “The whole thing is ridiculous, I suffered a life threatening injury but have been beaten by someone who broke a few ridiculous bones! I could have died!  I didn’t get so much as a hug from Sally and he has his own fucking table in Stell.”  To which Ervin smiled and said, “Scoreboard, man.”

According to a study by the Tuck Center for useless studies, the increased competitive – alpha male behavior displayed by the T09’s  can be directly correlated with increased GMAT scores. Donna Clark is already warning the DHMC regarding the class of T10’s