Tuck Victory at Sea! (Well... at River)

Cambridge: This Saturday, on the Charles River, Tuck continued its reign of athletic supremacy over the Ivy League, as the Tuck Crew team matched up against Harvard and Yale, to take the novice mixed eight rowing title.

The victory was made more impressive by the fact that the crew had only practiced together once, with the help of Dartmouth Assistant Coach Eric Kratochvil, who was overheard afterwards saying “If those guys don’t drown, it will be a victory.

When asked about the victory, Dean Lubrano was quoted as saying “wait… we have a crew team?”

In the boat were:

Anne Thompson,

David Twardowski (Thayer)

Cindy Landrebe,

Nicolae Cristea

Alex Armstrong,

Dennis Lasko        

Jeffrey Crane

Elizabeth Dutton

In a last minute scheduling snafu, promising rookie coxswain Caroline Newcomb was called away to defend her World Featherweight Kickboxing title, but the team recovered with the eleventh hour substitution of Uber-Coxwain Anna, from Germany, who was visiting her sister at Yale. A critical part of Tuck's victory, after the race Anna said “Americans are all Crazy. At one point I caught one of the dumkopfs screaming at his water bottle in Russian. If my regular rowers rowed like that, I would beat them. Professionally.”

Uniforms were provided by Lehman brothers, for all except Dennis Lasko and Jeff Crane. A spokesman for the company said “Well, we’ve all seen Lasko’s work in Capital Markets, so we know better than to associate ourselves with him in any way. As for Crane, it just creeps us out when he says EBIDA."

When asked if he thought some of the more veteran rowers on the team were overqualified for the novice race class, Team Captain Alex Armstrong reasoned “Well, yeah, maybe a bit, but I forced everyone to eat a burger and a milk shake right before the race, to handicap it, so it was totally fair.”

In other sports news, something happened at Tuck having to do with the British sport of Cricket. Details were sent via email by Nitesh Dixet T’09, but no one understands what the hell he’s blathering about. Interpreters have been called in.