The Tuck Profit

Konwiser to Make Bid For Dartmouth Presidency

Dartmouth: Earlier this year, President James Wright, president of Dartmouth College announced his plans for resignation at the end of the 2008-2009 academic year. Now the search is on. We, the Tuck Profit, are pleased to be the first to report that Evan Konwiser D’03 T’08 has stepped up to the plate and announced his intentions to enter the running for President of Dartmouth College. According to Konwiser, “I always thought I wanted Lubrano’s job, but hell, Russell Wolff told me to follow my dreams, so why not? It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. A few years of management consulting should be enough for a college presidency position.”

Konwiser wanted to keep his candidacy a secret, but the Profit was hot on his trail after catching him sucking up to Alex Mulley T’08. “It’s all about leveraging your network,” Konwiser said. Widely known for his inaction, Mulley met expectations by failing to pass along the recommendation to his father, who is leading the presidential candidate search, “Oh wait, shit, I was supposed to do something with that? I had no idea.”
In an off-the-record statement to the Tuck Profit Konwiser said, “I’m pretty much running the school behind the scenes so I decided it was time to finally credit.”[i] Konwiser has a very solid platform for Dartmouth – (1) more reusable mugs, (2) more all-class spamming, (3) more Yankees fans, (4) more tall people and (5) Dartmouth takes over the universe. Konwiser defended his platform, “Okay so it’s a bit self-serving but pretty much everyone can relate to some part of it, right? Ahem, right? Well, anyway, the key is execution and I know I can pull it off!” Tuck students are overjoyed to see one of their own in the running. Jeremy Sporn T’09 proclaimed, “The Kon-man Era! That’s right, I was the first to call him that. Kon-man. Get it?”
The Tuck Profit has recently learned that Konwiser’s campaign slogan will be “Vote for the Kon-man – because Dartmouth College should be ‘wiser”
[i] We have no ethics so we decided to publish his statement anyway.