Breaking News...
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First years
boycott Operations |
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Ankeney : The classroom has
has been deserted all day due to a first year boycott. Kate Reiling, T'08,
activist and avid game inventor instigated the action after learning that
the "Beer Game" involved neither Beer nor a Game.
"This is bullshit” said supporter Justin
Griggs, an avid fan of all things beer and game related, “pong, now that’s a
beer game."
Studies will now focus on the operational inefficiencies of the singles pong
tournament, now in it's 7th month of play.
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For further pong news...Click
here. |
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Breaking News...
Amateur Porn Found on O Drive; Remains Un-downloaded
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Hanover, NH – A new group of files that appear to
be amateur pornography have appeared in the temporary folder in Tuck’s network
drive. Seven Quicktime movies appeared yesterday in the folder, which is
popularly known to Tuck students as the “O drive” and is generally used to share
personal photos. |
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Sources reveal exclusively to the Profit that that
“Trevor_Does_Hanbury” and “2FOBS1cup” were among the disturbingly
named files, but as of press time, Profit staffers could not confirm their content. |
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“Somebody’s going to have to do it”, said
the Profit's Michelle Coyle. “But who? I mean, we don’t even know
who’s in there. Vintage Paul and Sydney, I would download, but I don't
get paid enough to watch anything involving Mike Wilson.” |
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Breaking News...
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Dean Slaughter
presents new paper on CPI at G7 meeting |
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This week dean
Slaughter gave a talk to the G7 on the CPI, College Price Index, and its effect
on Dartmouth community. Dean Slaughter said, “As you can see here, the average
CPI has risen steeply, thus making it far more difficult for students to get
hammered on weekends.” The CPI is made up of a basket of goods purchased by most
students: Beer, Easy Mac, Mountain Dew, kegs of Keystone light, chips, breakfast
cereal, tequila, and Jell-O. |
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In related news, Turtlenecks are still a bargain at
J.C. Penny. |
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Breaking News...
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Tuckies
Return from Abroad and Recover from Culture Clash |
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As student return from winter term abroad, they are
also recovering from the difficulties of coping with their time in European
schools. |
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Most affected has been Alexander Koepnick T’08 after living in London.
“The American culture is so ingrained in me now, that it surprised me
when people looked at me slyly when I wore flip-flops at LBS.”
Eye-witness Kunal Mehta T’08, confirmed that Koepnick was in bad shape
“He suffered a nervous breakdown because of lack of Beer Pong. We knew
things had hit rock-bottom when we found him using working-class
transportation (a.k.a. Underground), shopping at the Gap and wearing
less than three layers of collared shirts and vests.” |
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South of the English Channel, in Paris, Mauricio de la Garza T’08 took a
more proactive and early stance to deal with the culture clash. “I
didn’t expect to find Beer Pong tournaments in France. My first attempts
at bringing the concept proved rather unsuccessful, and not until I
substituted the beer with wine, did I start to bring people on board.” |
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Becky Micon T’08’s decided to follow a similar
strategy with the Kneissel Cup, but the persistent spills of wine
created an army of disgruntled French people complaining about stains on
their high-fashion garments. |
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Breaking News...
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Rolando Is Back |
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Hanover:
T’08 Rolando Sanchez has been fervently approaching first year men and women to
ask them to pose for the prestigious Tuck Gives Calendar. This type of effort
would normally be applauded, however the Profit has found that this man is in no
way involved with the Tuck Gives organization. T’09Mary Woodka, one of the
victims, spoke to us about her ordeal. |
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“It started out as fun but the next thing I knew my pink
collared shirt was on the floor and I was draped over the pool table
with nothing but a smile on. He told me the shots would be artistic and
that nudity at Tuck was this year’s theme, I was so honored to be asked
I didn’t think about it.” |
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Only when she revealed her ordeal to her friends did the truth come
out. An unidentified T09 male, had a similar experience. |
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“I was suspicious when he started taking pictures of me getting
undressed, but when I heard the zoom lens as I bent down to take my
socks off I bolted out of Byrne Dining faster than Katie Griggs chugs a
beer” |
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Sally Jaegar has issued a formal memo telling students to only pose
(nude or otherwise) for Dennis Lasko, the official Tuck Gives Calendar
photographer. She has also suggested that the Influence book be dropped
from Managerial Decision Making, calling it a “A tool for the
wicked”. |
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When reached for comment Sanchez had this to say “This is bullshit, who
the hell does Lasko have dirt on to get that job?” |
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