Hanover, NH – A Tuck student is on the lam after breaking free Monday following months of imprisonment on the 2^nd floor of Tuck’s Whittemore complex.

Darius Matthews, T’09, was convicted last November of one misdemeanor count of flip-flopping and subsequently handed a life sentence with a provision for work release by Julia Blank, a one-woman judge, jury and executioner. Under the conditions of his sentence, Matthews was permitted to travel between locations on the Tuck campus but was required to be accompanied by his fetching, auburn-haired warden at all times. He was allowed just three hours in the West Lebanon exercise yard once a month, a joyous recess he had taken to referring to as “boy’s night” in an attempt to replicate some semblance of his former freedom.

 Matthews is believed to have escaped shortly after 5 pm, when Blank was required by Tuck facilities to turn in her room keys. He was last seen peeling out of Ledyard in a white Chevrolet Camaro, screaming what witnesses claim sounded something like, “Eat my knight-riding gravel, bitch!”.  Matthews is considered armed and but not really very dangerous. When contacted for comment, an anonymous source at the Hanover Police Department refused to discuss the case, claiming off-the-record that Matthews “wasn’t really a prisoner” and that “flip-flopping is not actually a crime”.