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Hanover - You’ve seen her hugging trees,
carrying Nalgene bottles 24/7, and publicly celebrating Earth Day, but behind
closed doors, Heather Kellman is an Earth wrecker! As usual, the Profit has the
exclusive.
Spice Rack housemate Sarah Brucker told us, “I saw
Heather secretly goes into the kitchen, makes coffee, drinks it out of a
Styrofoam cup then throws it out! I couldn’t believe my eyes!” If the
weren’t enough, she HATES compact fluorescent light bulbs (something
about not using enough energy). According to insider Kelly Chin,
Heather can be seen leaving all lights in the house even when she’s not
home. “Too much trouble to flip the switch,” Kellman defended.
Housemates Linda Lagos and Serena Wong told the Profit, “We had to have
a recycling intervention!! Heather kept throwing out her #1 PETE and #2
HDPE plastic bottles – we couldn’t take it anymore!!” This
disappointing and shocking news is slowing spreading through Tuck. Alex
Doria could be overheard saying “If Heather Kellman doesn’t love the
Planet Earth, I don’t know what I the meaning of life is anymore.”
After graduation, Kellman plans to drive a Hummer
cross country to San Francisco.
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