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Hanover, NH – As Tuck’s academic calendar enters
its last month, busy first-years are clamoring to steal fleeting moments with
close friends and accomplish last minute goals before scattering about the
country to complete their summer internships. One such busy bee is a T’09-stress
widely known as the “Nightstalker”.
Legend has it that the nightstalker has serviced more than half
of Buchanan’s male resident population, but like any other type-A Tuckie,
will not be satisfied until the job is complete. In a Profit exclusive,
we sat down with the nightstalker, who agreed to speak with us under the condition
that she remain completely anonymous.
Profit Editors contemplate the existence of the Nightstalker
Profit: So is there any truth to the rumors that you’ve
totally blown like, more than half the dudes on your floor?
Nightstalker: Of course not, but I’ve
starfished for a few of them. Ok, a lot of them. Like all.
Profit: Tuckies are amazed that with fall A
and B, and all your extracurricular commitments, you’ve still been able
to get around so freakin’ much.
Nightstalker: Well, I’ve always been a
go-getter. Why do you think they let me in here?
Profit: But time is running out. Do you
really think it’s realistic to accomplish your goal of bending over for
every guy in Buch before Disorientation?
Nightstalker: Anything can be done if you
put your mind to it. My current plan is to double up and catch up. Time
is money, right? I can’t wait to be the jelly in a Jedwards/Nitesh
sandwich.
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