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Disheartened by a lack of success with its
“Springboard” series of job-search events, the Tuck CDO is trying a new tactic:
waterboarding.
“In the past, our Springboard series has been
quite successful at motivating Tuck students to get off their lazy
keisters and go get jobs,” said CDO Director Richard McNulty. “The Class
of 2009 and several exceptionally clueless T’08s, however, are proving
particularly unwilling to get moving, so we’re exploring new ways to
push them towards gainful employment.”
Prior to now, waterboarding, a
semi-controversial motivational practice dating back to the glory days
of the Spanish Inquisition, had never been used at Tuck but was recently
popularized by the U.S. military. Just two weeks after implementation,
positive results are flooding in.
“We’ve been very, very pleased with where our
Career Waterboard trials have gotten us after only a couple of weeks,”
explained Becky Joffrey. “It seems that a lot of our students weren’t
getting jobs simply because they didn’t see it as a matter of life and
death.
“From what we’ve been seeing, it looks like all
they really needed was a little water poured up their noses and down
their throats. There’s nothing like nearly drowning to really perk you
up and get you thinking about what you really want to do with your
life.”
The CDO tries to make sure the waterboarding
experience as pleasant as possible for unemployed Tuckies, Joffrey
explained. Several Bosworth study rooms have been converted to trendy
“Career Spas a la Ghraib” and outfitted with state-of-the-art,
adjustable concrete slabs and waterproof pillows. Upon lying down,
students are snugly strapped down with leather belts so the treatment
can be experienced with minimal thrashing and other unprofessional
behavior.
“We really want waterboarding to be a positive
experience for everyone,” McNulty said. “We add drops of rose extract to
the water we use, and keep it mildly lukewarm. It’s really refreshing.
It gives one the sensation of being murdered by flowers, which, when you
think about it, would be a pretty great way to die.”
Tuck administrators at the highest level are
also raving about the CDO’s new methods.
“Innovation is a hallmark of the Tuck School,
and it’s wonderful to see the CDO doing what it takes to get jobs for
our students and graduates,” said Dean Paul Danos. “There may be a few
negative PR effects, but the measure of a business school’s quality is
its students’ ability to get jobs, not its consideration of human
rights.”
If the CDO’s Career Waterboard continues to be
successful, expect future additions: plans are currently in the works
for flaming bamboo manicures, high-voltage electrotherapy, and Jonathan
Masland’s patented scalp treatment.
“The proof of these new tactics is really in
the pudding,” Joffrey said. “Already more than half of our treatment
recipients have secured jobs, mostly in government.”
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