First, a Self-conscious
Preamble About Mission Statements
 Asking a cynical
person to write a mission statement is like asking a
politician to be sincere. Or throwing a cat
into a pool.
So where does that leave us? Every good
business needs a mission statement. If
you don't know where you're going, every road will
take you there, right? How will employees make
decisions, if they aren't aligned with the
fundamental underlying values of the organization,
right?
That's a load of horsecrap. The purpose of a business is
to make money. Does
anyone really believe that people want to be guided
by some glossy pamphlet put together by a bunch of MBA's?
Does anyone really believe that employees study the corporate propaganda
plastered on the wall before
making decisions?
If I wrote a mission statement,
and someone changed their behavior, I would disrespect their seed.
Thinking for yourself is what separates you from the
animals. No one can tell you what to think,
and if they do, they're selling something.
Which leads me to my next point.
Next, A
Realization That We Are Selling Something
 If
we can convince you to spend time on our site, then
we can convince advertisers to pay us money to put
up ads. That is all we are trying to do.
Make money. We estimate that we'll be as big
as Google in 3-5 years.
That doesn't mean we won't try to sell you a story.
Corporations, governments and religions sell stories
to you every
day--why shouldn't we give it a shot? Maybe
you'll buy into our message and spend hours surfing
our site in search of the meaning of life. In
the process you'll support our advertisers,
reconnect with Tuck, laugh a lot, wish you were a
2nd year MBA student, become incredibly cynical, and
decide to join the libertarian party.
At long last, the
Mission Statement
The Tuck Profit seeks to entertain the Tuck
community by creating humorous content--parody--and
distributing it over the Internet. That
sentence won't fit on the side of a truck, but it
describes what we do.
Now, you might notice a few themes running through
this humorous content that we create; these themes
can perhaps be best explained with a statement of
our values. [Writers are constantly referring
to this list of values when making strategic choices
about the form and content of their articles.
In other words, it is a living, breathing document.]
An Incomplete
List of Our Values
| ■ |
We believe
in freedom of speech. |
| ■ |
We believe
that Tuck is the finest institution of its
kind in the world. |
| ■ |
We believe
that MBA students take themselves too
seriously. |
| ■ |
We believe that
political correctness should be undermined
whenever possible, at all costs. |
| ■ |
We believe
that a sense of humor is the most important
trait a human being possesses. |
| ■ |
We are not
racist, sexist, classist or homophobic.
Occasionally, we make fun of
people who are.
Know the difference.
(We are agists, though. We hate the
elderly and everything they stand for. ) |
| ■ |
We are not
malicious; if we’re picking on you it means
we like you, and we think you're cool enough
to take it. |
| ■ |
In real life,
we're intelligent, responsible, respectable
MBA's, so you should seriously consider
hiring us for your organization. |
The Profit is our voice
(and yours) and these pages are our attempt at humor.
Sometimes we'll draw attention to things that we
feel can be improved, and sometimes we'll just go
for a healthy chuckle. Either way, you should
subscribe to our email list,
bookmark this site, send the url to your friends,
family and co-workers, and check back often for
updates. If you have a message that you would
like to reach the Tuck Community, you should
consider advertising on
our site.
Tuck is an amazing place and every day we are
grateful for the opportunity to be a part of it.
We sincerely hope you enjoy what we have created…and if not, we
` heartily encourage you to go fuck yourself.
Tuck Love,
The Management |
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