Kesman Grapples With Impossible Decision: Tripod Playoffs or Weekend In Vail?

Hanover, NH: In the latest sign yet of the T’08’s jarring callousness, the first-year Tripod Hockey Commissioners scheduled hockey playoffs for the same weekend as the second-year Vail junket. Dozens of T’07’s, struggling with their decision of which winter sport to participate in, flooded Sally’s office for counseling sessions.

Mark Kesman T’07 spoke with the Tuck Profit about his choices. “On the one hand, this is my fourth and final season of Tripod Hockey. We have an AWESOME chance of finally grasping that elusive Tripod glory...I’ll never get another shot. On the other hand, skiing Vail’s back bowls and polishing my professional network at après ski… I just can’t believe these classless first-years could put me in this situation! They have no idea what I’m going through.”

Meanwhile, the Tuck community is showering the afflicted students with sympathy and support. Gator offered some advice: “Learning how to cope with life’s curveballs is probably the most important part of maturing into an adult. Sometimes you need to face adversity before you discover who you truly are.”
   

Tropical Hanover Braces For Nor'easter
Employees Wonder If They Are Essential
Gore Unavailable For Comment

Hanover, NH: Preparations for inclement weather have begun in earnest, all across the Upper Valley.  Emergency crews are being called in and procurers are scrambling to find salt and dirt.  The mayor's office released a statement asking the town for patience as it attempts to deal with this unprecedented storm.  "In Syracuse, a nor'easter of this magnitude is fairly routine.  But here in Hanover we need to be realistic about our ability to cope with the devastation."

Last night, Dartmouth College President Wright sent a 4-page email to the entire community outlining the college's rarely-used policy on snow.  This morning, he closed the college, forcing employees to face the critical question: "am I an essential employee?"

Socially awkward Thayer students and Brian Fairweather T'07 were secretly grateful to the storm for providing an acceptable topic of conversation.  "It's really coming down, isn't it?" said Fairweather.
   

Local Elderly Woman Pays Shiny Quarter for Burgamy at Charity Auction

Date Will Include Dinner, Dancing And “Some Hot Bunion Rubbing”

Koepnick Signs With J. Crew As Summer Mannequin

New York, NY: The Tuck Profit has learned that Alexander Koepnick T'08 has signed a summer internship offer.  Most students expected the German native to return to Munich to help his father and grandfather manage the family assets.  Instead, Koepnick will join J. Crew as a male mannequin. 

An HR spokeswoman commented:  "We searched far and wide for an attractive male who dressed the part in his normal daily life.  Alexander's triple-collar pastel layered look is a perfect match for our in-store displays.  We're delighted to welcome him onboard."

J. Crew also extended a full-time offer to Richard Mumby T'07, but sources in the industry indicate that he will probably sign with Banana Republic.

Breaking News...

SUV To Be Torched in Fire Pit

Hanover, NH: For weeks, second-years climbing the Ledyard steps at 8:20 a.m. in 20-degree temperatures have been greeted by a tauntingly parked Toyota 4Runner at the top of Tuck Drive.  With a brown Dewey parking lot sticker on it.  Yes, a first-year (identity withheld for his personal security) with so much audacity that he wouldn't deign to park illegally in Ledyard.  Ned Zeiler, a jujitsu grand master and bare-knuckles boxing champion, has wanted to “kick this guy's ass” for weeks now.  But justice at Tuck will instead be rendered the old-fashioned way: by the Judicial Board. 

Brian Walsh, angered that he had not thought of this first, says he intends to sentence the SUV to a torching retirement at the Fire Pit.  Fire Pit residents and 98% of the second-years polled for this article have indicated they will gladly oblige in the festivities and farewell, while PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles) has protested the auto-da-fe.

Breaking News...

Pancake-Hats Deemed Inappropriate

Hanover, NH: The Tuck Office Of Institutional Taste today condemned all electronic communications that feature rabbits wearing pancake-hats.  "Think of the poor rabbit-mommy who has to witness her little bunny-rabbit with that disgusting dry pancake on its head.  Tuck students need to remember the purpose of email communication and conduct themselves accordingly."

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Winter Term Somehow Sucks Worse Than Fall A, B

Hanover, NH: First years are discovering that Winter Term somehow sucks worse than Fall A and B.  Recruiting pressures, frustrating professors, and disgusting food are causing many first years to sink into depression.  The higher expectations students recently set with friends and family are already proving groundless.  In brighter news, students have new study groups to loathe.