J BOARD APPLIES GUERILLA TACTICS IN WAR ON FUN 

T'09 Darius Matthews misses his friend.

Recognizing the inability of Whittemore and off-campus students to do anything wrong, Tuck recently agreed to charge residents of Buchanan Hall for the cleanup and damages from last week’s riotous pong party. Said one unnamed Tuck official; “It would be unfair of us to burden other students with the cost of cleaning up their mess.”

To expedite payment, the J board has also taken T’09 Darius Matthews’ beer bong as hostage. When reached for comment, a distraught Matthews was filled with fond memories of his dear friend, “It means so much to me… It was there for all the good times… I miss it so much, I can’t sleep without it.”

Residents of Buchanan will also be billed for Fall Formal mud damage to the carpets at Tuck, reseeding the lawn after this fall’s Scavenger Hunt, Dean Lubrano’s Barn cleanup after his 20-year reunion party and last year’s mystery turd found in a trash can.