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SUV To Be Torched in Fire Pit

Hanover, NH: For weeks, second-years climbing the Ledyard steps at 8:20 a.m. in 20-degree temperatures have been greeted by a tauntingly parked Toyota 4Runner at the top of Tuck Drive.  With a brown Dewey parking lot sticker on it.  Yes, a first-year (identity withheld for his personal security) with so much audacity that he wouldn't deign to park illegally in Ledyard.  Ned Zeiler, a jujitsu grand master and bare-knuckles boxing champion, has wanted to “kick this guy's ass” for weeks now.  But justice at Tuck will instead be rendered the old-fashioned way: by the Judicial Board. 

Brian Walsh, angered that he had not thought of this first, says he intends to sentence the SUV to a torching retirement at the Fire Pit.  Fire Pit residents and 98% of the second-years polled for this article have indicated they will gladly oblige in the festivities and farewell, while PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles) has protested the auto-da-fe.