Signs like this were too much for investors.

Hanover, NH: The tantalizing marketing campaign unleashed by Section 5 is causing a massive frenzy of media attention, distracting investors and traders all over the world.  Yesterday, the excitement and chaos set off a chain reaction in the financial markets, and the Dow tumbled 416 points. 

It all started in Shanghai.  Rumors about Section 5 --that it was actually a code name for a bill introducing a capital gains tax--swept through the Chinese financial community.  Investors dumped shares as quickly as they could in an attempt to lock in their gains tax-free.

Computer technicians on Wall Street left their posts and drove to Hanover, hoping to see first hand just what Section 5 is all about.  Those that remained behind were unable to handle the heavy trading volumes, and various computer glitches resulted that only increased investors' panic.

So what is Section 5? 

• Richard Mumby T'07 hopes it's the name of a secret society or new West Leb costume shop 

• A group of second-years, alums of the troublesome section four in Fall A & B, speculate that perhaps Tuck has decided to retire section four, necessitating the introduction of a Section 5

• Tuck Profit number two Brian Fairweather is worried that Section 5 might be a new humor website, one that is actually funny

• Byron LaMotte is freaking out that section 5 will somehow expose his adventures at various undergraduate sororities

• Penny Welsh T'07 doesn't know anything about Section 5, nor does she care; she just misses Casey McCullar T'07.
  
  

This much is sure: the entire world is eagerly awaiting the announcement tomorrow.