Occom Pond Closed For Day; Herbert On Suicide Watch

Hanover, NH: Authorities at Dartmouth decided to close Occom Pond for the day, citing heavy snowfall and holes in the ice.  Chris Herbert T'07 and Si France T'07, pond hockey aficionados, were standing by with shovels when they heard the news.

Said France: "Chris took it very hard.  His first reaction was to assault the pond manager.  I jumped in and was able to resuscitate the poor man, but the bites were pretty deep, so I sent him to DHMC for a rabies shot.  I found Chris in the woods.  He was sobbing uncontrollably and clutching his hockey stick."

The salesman at Stateline Sports confirmed that the Tuck second-year recently purchased a graphite hockey stick for $100.  "He came in here last week mumbling about some guy name Turco.  He wanted to know if Harvard's hockey team was any good.  I told him that the best way to get better is to buy a graphite hockey stick.  It was the easiest sale I've ever made."  He continued, "On his way out, he made us promise not to tell anyone about the sale, especially a woman named Gretchen, or something like that."