Sporn and his teammates on the 1989 Camp Cedar All-Star Team SOURCE: Casco Chronicle

Sporn Revealed as Youth Roller Hockey Legend

Hanover, NH: A bombshell dropped on Stell Hall yesterday afternoon at the semi-annual Tripod Hockey Media Day.   Already anticipating a classic underdog story of David and Goliath proportions at tonight's Tripod Hockey championship game (Campion Arena 8:50 pm), the gaggle of sportswriters was quietly going through the motions of soliciting sound bites from players when Casco Maine Chronicle writer Matthew Bellamy sent shock waves through the festivities.

“I’m absolutely positive.  This is the same Jeremy Sporn who averaged four goals per game on the 1989 Camp Cedar All-Stars.  He’s a legendary goal scorer; he played on an unstoppable line with the sons of NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and defenseman Mathieu Schneider.  I will never forget sitting in the Warrior Complex watching Spornstar light the lamp ten times against rival Camp Modin in the Maccabi Games.” 

Bellamy wasn’t the only one shocked that Sporn had sneaked into the Tripod league.  “After all, it’s very easy to make the switch to ice hockey,” said A-teamer Ryan Burkart, who confirmed that he first ice skated as a freshman at Dartmouth College.  Even fellow captain Scott Orleck piled on, “He’s like Carl Lewis running in the Special Olympics!”

Even fellow captain Scott Orleck piled on, "He's like Carl Lewis running in the Special Olympics!"

But Bellamy wasn’t impressed.  “I’ve seen the quality of play in Tripod hockey. Only 19 goals?  The old Sporn would have tallied twice as many.”

The news clearly irked the Tripod Commissioners who, in addition to sending out updated league standings, are guardians of the league’s low quality of play.  “This isn’t ‘Nam, there are rules” barked John Foglesong as he entered an emergency session to debate whether to suspend Sporn from the championship game and strip him of his scoring title.

The news further depressed underdogs Elevator Action.  Said defenseman Kei Kato, “Higgins is a B-team ringer, Ugolyn was a McDonald’s All-American, and now this?”